Once my therapist had a theory about where my anxiety and panic stemmed from (well she has many theories but we’ll go with this one in particular). She believed that my anxiety and panic stemmed from not being able to express myself. Namely, not expressing when I’m angry.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to rage on the copier at work or throw my computer screen against the wall (though that would be a great idea for a viral YouTube video). It’s more the progression of where my emotions go and the need for me to bottle them up. That then turns into anger that then turns into me believing I’m having a heart attack while driving home (or a stroke while managing a learning management system at work, tomato/tomahto).
Turns out I have a ton of bottled up feelings that I don’t express (learned behavior is a bitch). One of her coping mechanisms is called, “Name it to tame it.” When I start to feel frustrated, angry, worried or overwhelmed I should identify the feeling. Not out loud like some live twitter feed, but just to myself. She said that once I named it I would be giving a voice to that part of me that was freaking out. I could then shelf the emotion and explore what those feelings reveal about me later (having a conversation with myself in my cubicle at work probably wouldn’t do well for my long term career goals).
This has probably been the most challenging part of dealing with my anxiety. I can read books; articles, make and carry note cards that serve as a reminder that the physical symptoms I’m feeling from anxiety are adrenaline or lack of oxygen (hyperventilation I’m looking at you). But ask me to name my feelings and shit gets real.
We build walls to help protect ourselves from situations and people at an early age. My walls have served me well, kept me safe, kept me going. Until they didn't. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, those walls stopped being helpful and started interfering.
When I started breaking down that wall, things got real messy and for a while, I was operating at a level 100 in all things. Everything I felt was so intense! I went from shrugging thing off to crying on my lunch break. I’d be equal parts happy I named what I was feeling to equal parts angry that I was feeling those feelings to begin with.
But through all that crap I learned some new things about myself.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to rage on the copier at work or throw my computer screen against the wall (though that would be a great idea for a viral YouTube video). It’s more the progression of where my emotions go and the need for me to bottle them up. That then turns into anger that then turns into me believing I’m having a heart attack while driving home (or a stroke while managing a learning management system at work, tomato/tomahto).
Turns out I have a ton of bottled up feelings that I don’t express (learned behavior is a bitch). One of her coping mechanisms is called, “Name it to tame it.” When I start to feel frustrated, angry, worried or overwhelmed I should identify the feeling. Not out loud like some live twitter feed, but just to myself. She said that once I named it I would be giving a voice to that part of me that was freaking out. I could then shelf the emotion and explore what those feelings reveal about me later (having a conversation with myself in my cubicle at work probably wouldn’t do well for my long term career goals).
This has probably been the most challenging part of dealing with my anxiety. I can read books; articles, make and carry note cards that serve as a reminder that the physical symptoms I’m feeling from anxiety are adrenaline or lack of oxygen (hyperventilation I’m looking at you). But ask me to name my feelings and shit gets real.
We build walls to help protect ourselves from situations and people at an early age. My walls have served me well, kept me safe, kept me going. Until they didn't. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, those walls stopped being helpful and started interfering.
When I started breaking down that wall, things got real messy and for a while, I was operating at a level 100 in all things. Everything I felt was so intense! I went from shrugging thing off to crying on my lunch break. I’d be equal parts happy I named what I was feeling to equal parts angry that I was feeling those feelings to begin with.
But through all that crap I learned some new things about myself.
- I value being heard. I get really upset when I feel misunderstood, looked over and undervalued. Once I realized this it helped me with my personal and professional life. Instead of being upset I try and talk out what I’m feeling. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to get my point across cause I don’t want to cause trouble or drama. But if I don’t express myself correctly, how will anyone understand me properly.
- I’m insecure (I bet my therapist was happy when I named this one, here’s to more sessions!). This isn’t new, I have a ton of hangs up, but I didn’t realize just how deep they ran. Understanding what I’m insecure about helps me deal with the onslaught of feelings I have when a situation triggers those feelings.
- I get jealous. Not in the Nick Jonas top charting pop single way, but kind of. This one is a little hard to explain. I’m not jealous of a people, but more for the traits or characteristics they have that I feel I lack.
There have been a lot of emotions that I’ve had to “name to tame.” I’d be lying if I said sometimes I’m pist off at myself for what those emotions revealed and I wanted to raise my walls even higher and continue on as I have been. But I’ve made a personal commitment to get my shit together in the last year leading up to my thirties, so here I am. A not-as-much-but-still –a- little-bit angry ball of bottled up emotions. I’d be lying though, if I said I wasn’t holding out for things to magically come together next May, when I turn 30. Growing up is hard work.
