This is not a best of 2013 list, or a manifesto about how
2014 is “going to be my year.” Not to knock any of that but I think so often we
try to pretend that the New Year is a clean slate that once the year is over we
don’t have to look back. “Thank god this year is over” we say, “Can’t wait to
start fresh.” This year I am looking at
it a little differently.
I so often fall victim to the "New Year" hype. Making
resolutions and going on diets; Re-organizing my life for two weeks and then
nothing. The truth is that change cannot
only happen once a year but I guess the New Year is the best time as any to gauge
progress. In the last year I turned 30 and that is about the most “monumental”
thing that happened to me. Even then it was anti-climatic as nothing
about my life really changed. 2013 was not a bad year but it wasn't a great
year either. It was a year that came and went but I believe it has been one of
the most essential years of my life.
So what can I say I accomplished in the last year? If
anything I can say that my point of view has changed. I am not known for being the
most positive person but this year I made sure that I looked for the silver lining in every bad situation. It was difficult at first and then eventually it became
the only way to look at things. Not to
say that there were not days were I would lie on my roommate’s floor and cry,
those happened too. I just think that I was better equipped to deal with those,
whether it’s age, experience or just a need for a change of attitude. In 2013 I
learned how to deal with my emotions a little better.
I got a new job but have yet to acquire a career in fact
that is kind of where I look at 2014 with those “new year, new slate” rose colored
glasses; A year to hopefully start
carving out a name for myself in this world. I think the first thing to admit
here is that I am scared, terrified really of the future. I do not doubt my
ability to get stuff done, or be motivated but so much of life is what we put
into it and I think at the moment I am just scared that if I try at something I
will fail.
So in 2014 instead of making a resolution that can be
accomplished in a years’ time I am going to start the beginning steps on
battling fear, a fear that has plagued me for the past few years. A fear that is present in every aspect of my
life from my work life to my friendships. Recently I have become something of a hermit, rarely leaving
my apartment having to be probed to make plans. It’s not that I don’t like the
people that I have in my life but even worse I enjoy spending time with my friends
but there is always a need to mentally prepare to do so. Social situations give
me something that I would liken to social anxiety, since I have never been
diagnosed I can’t say that is the exact issue but sometimes the idea of being
in social situations does cause me to panic. I don’t know what it is, and when it started but the idea
of spending time with friends can sometimes feel like a chore and it’s not
something that I am admitting publicly to be a bitch but mostly to explain my
flakiness from the past. Hopefully in battling this fear I will also be able to
figure out how to deal with how it manifest itself in my friendships and
relationships.
I am sick of being handicapped by something that is “in my
head” so here I am making my resolution of sorts as I begin this new year I will not let fear dictate my life.
Moving forward I will try to battle these fears that I encounter daily and know
that (for the most part) if something scares me then maybe I am in the right path. I will leave you with the following quote:
"Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated
out."
- Karl
Augustus Menninger
Happy New Year, hope all your
goals/resolutions/dreams come true in the coming year!
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