The Money Issue

I spent the eve of my 23^rd birthday in tears listening to Rilo Kiley‘s “The execution of all things” convincing myself that I was a failure.

“I haven’t done anything in life” I told my dad when he tried to assure me that my life was just beginning. Still I was sure that I had accomplished everything I could and that I was going nowhere. Maybe it was too much Reality Bites or Ms. Jenny Lewis herself steering me down the path, regardless "nowhere fast" was engraved in my head and chanting in my ears. Why am I letting you in on such an embarrassing anecdote about my life? Maybe it’s because I am currently 30 years old, still feel unaccomplished but at this moment would not be able to comprehend what makes someone a failure.

All my friends are more financially secure then I am. This statement holds such weight as some could see me as the Jennifer Aniston character in a movie highlighting late development or achievement. I used to feel so ashamed of that fact, like it somehow was tied to me as a person because it told everyone that I was worthless, unsuccessful and worst of all a failure. Luckily I learned that this was not true. It wasn't until I was 28 working a job that was deemed acceptable at my age but somehow I was miserable. I was working long hours putting time into something I thought I wanted. Then all of sudden I asked myself "What am I working towards?" Now the responsible adult in me wanted to say "You work because you have to" which is such an adult thing to say, isn't it?  The thing is that even though I knew that having a job that pays me enough to pay my bills and rent is all I should be worrying about I just couldn't shut off that small voice in my head.

When I was young and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I got older I would always answer "happy." No I wasn't raised by hippie parents and there was an actual direction that I knew I was taking but none of it seemed as important as the promise of being happy.  Now as we all know happiness is fleeting and not a career but I can honestly say that I could not let that little girl down. So I quit my job and decided to find out what would make me happy. Very stupid idea in the economy we were/are in but I think in your twenties you get to do one really stupid thing and that was it. It was hard as expected, there were times I thought I was an idiot but somehow I was the happiest I had ever been.

Now a few years have passed and I don't make that much money and at times it can be frustrating as I try to navigate my path into something that I want. What I do now is definitely not what I want to do but it feels like a stepping stone in the right direction. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold them and even though it feels horrible knowing that I can be considered the "dead beat" friend I still feel like things are going the way they are suppose to, ever so slowly. There is a path that I am on; I've learned a lot about myself, about my friends and my family through the simple act of quitting my job. It was an experience I wouldn't replicate but am glad I went through.

You know that scene from "Friends" with Phoebe and the tiny pizza? and how everyone always wants to go somewhere "nice"? That's pretty much my life. I cringe when I hear of trips being planned and money being wasted. I can't go to the mall and just purchase things because I am on a budget and I put thought into which paycheck is going to go to what. It's exhausting and annoying and I try not to make myself feel bad about it because not all adults are made the same. Not all industries pay the same amount of money and once I understood that I started to feel like less of a failure and more like someone determined to find their space. The point of this article is not to tell you to follow your dreams or find happiness because sometimes that can leave you broke, frustrated, and maybe worse. You have to figure out what works for you, what is important to YOU and never compare yourself to others.

Learning to budget, analyzing expectations, those are things I had to learn these are things that made me feel like an adult. Also learning what I want out of life, out of my job is important to. They always tell you to not compare yourself to others because it's pointless. It took me almost 30 years to learn that but I'm glad I finally did.

Cleaning up your credit score: the three stages of grief

Tell me if you've heard this story before. Girl gets a job and works hard. Makes money and decides to buy nice things. One nice thing turns into many nice things. Many nice things turn into bigger nice things. Bigger nice things turn into credit card debt. Girl gets a better paying job, continues to work hard, continues to spend and repeats the cycle. Man, I should have listened to my parents (shhh, don’t tell them I said that).

This summer I came face to face with my credit card debt. My 10 year old car with 190,000+ miles on it was making a new awful sound and coupled with the check engine light that had been on for about 6 months, I thought it was time to buy a new car. But a lot had changed in 10 years, gone was that girl who bought her first car and had stellar credit. Now stood a woman who stared at her credit score in disbelief, sure some of the numbers were the same but the number order wasn't. It was a far cry from what it once was.  So my journey to clean up my credit began.  

To do this though, I had to admit a one thing to myself.  I needed to get serious about a budget. For an independent spirit trapped in a practical mind, this was in direct contradiction to my personality.  I lived in the now, I work now, I want this now, I need this now, I want to go on vacation now, I want to move out now.  While I was fortunate to have my now’s and eat them too, it was bound to catch up to me.

Enter the new car dilemma. So here’s the thing, creating a budget isn't hard; it’s following it that trips me up. I've always justified that the reason I could buy myself nice things was because I worked hard. While that’s true in some respects, in others it’s not. What I failed to take into consideration was my five, ten, fifteen year plan (my mom would be so proud to read about me writing about this now). It was time I started thinking of future Shadi.

I started saving three months before I bought my new car. I budgeted and cut unnecessary spending. I didn't need that new purse or shoes. No more Starbucks, I could drink coffee at home or from work. Two ply toilet paper instead of three. I asked myself three questions, do I need it? Why do I need it? Am I sure I can’t live without it? The formula wasn't perfect and on occasion I spent money even when I shouldn't have, but I saved enough for a down payment.

While I saved, I started cleaning up my credit. I printed detailed copies from all three credit unions and began calling banks, writing letters and getting on payment plans. And, I  also experienced three stages of grief while cleaning up my credit. And here's the the thing - no one ever talks about the emotions you experience when you have to clean up your credit. Sure you can do any Google search and find article after article on how to clean up your credit. But the emotional part is never even hinted at and let me tell you, calling banks and having to explain yourself and your financial situations to corporations that are only interested in making a profit can be an extremely demoralizing experience. So anyway, without further delay, here are the top three emotions I felt when I started cleaning up my credit. 

1. Anger – I realized what a scam credit scores are. I became enraged that my 28 year old self was being held accountable for what my 24 year old self did. Hello, I’m a changed person! Haven’t they seen my budget! My 24 year old self was so stupid (just kidding, you were awesome!).
2. Depression – I began to think there’s was no hope. There is no way I can clean up my credit enough to get that good interest rate.  Now I’ll get ripped at the car dealership and have to pay twice as much for my car in interest. 
3. Acceptance  – I realized that I had to accept the system. Bad credit didn't define me. I am not the only one with bad credit. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am not a bad person for having bad credit. As Lily Allen put it in Everything's just Wonderful,  “Well it’s very funny, cause I got your fucking money and I’m never gonna get it because of my bad credit. Oh well I guess I mustn't grumble, I suppose that just the way the cookie crumbles.”

So yes, cleaning up my credit is still a work in progress  and once I got past the frustration I challenged myself to view my credit as a sort of unintentional diary. Every credit card told a story, A trip to New York, A road trip to Arizona,  a couch for my apartment, a card from when I as unemployed, a trip to the ER when I had a panic attack (funny story, more on that later).  Revisiting those memories was sort of like a silver lining that helped me realized how much I’d grown and experienced in the last 10 years.

I was able to get my new car with a low interest rate thanks to the kindness of my parents and an honest dealership.  But the lessons from this experience are not lost on me. I continue to budget, clean up my credit and think about future Shadi all the time. Next up, Roth IRAs and a new purse (whaaaaat, I work hard!). ;)