I’m back...

Can writers block last four years? What am I saying, of course it can.

I started this blog with my roommate about 3 years prior to turning 30 as an outlet for all my anxiety about turning 30 (don’t judge me). And in very typical Shadi fashion, I let other things take priority and I stopped updating. So here I am well into my 30s and still trying to figure out how to or if I'm living my best life. 

Just as a suspected, turning 30 most certainly did not magically make me put together. I'm still awkward AF (as fuck, for you non millennial readers).The other day though, I paired a top with a necklace and felt like I killed the game of adulthood (it was a good outfit, seriously). And I guess that's what being an adult is, little victories or moments that lead up to one large feeling. 

And sometimes I feel like a full fledged adult. Leading up to my thirties I had a plan. I started paying bills on time, actually budgeting (spreadsheet and everything). I started eating healthily and exercising regularly (I joined two gyms for god sake). Actively went to therapy twice a month to deal with my anxiety/panic and got off my meds (successfully been off anti-anxiety medicine for a year!). But all of that took work and constant thought. It's fucking exhausting. Being a self aware adult is hard (and sad sometimes). Lately, I find myself missing the impulsive person I was in my 20s (and I wasn't even that wild). I can't even dye my hair as often cause I have to worry about balding. WHAT IS LIFE. 

The truth is, right now at this very moment, I feel like my life is stuck on the loop de loop part of a roller coaster (that sounds dramatic). Fuck, it feels good to admit that out loud.

I've been sad lately. And not the I'm on my period sad (but I wish it was). For me, it's a cyclical, I'm not living up to my potential and I feel so unchallenged kind of  sad. The kind of sad where I question everything, from the why am I still single (no, really) to my career choices. Should I go back to school? Is it time to change my job? Why am I not debt free yet? Why haven’t I bought a house? Am I getting in the way of my own success? Should I have kept my OkCupid profile open for one more month? Actually, I know the answer to this, it's HELL NO. That last one is more for comic relief, I like myself enough to be alone forever. 

So, I'm in my 30's and I'm still figuring shit out. You may be thinking, cool story but what’s the point of this post. I guess it’s to say, I’m back. I’m trying to find outlets to channel my feelings that don’t involve drugs, alcohol or running a 5K (that's a joke). 

Because that's the thing about a roller coaster (oh yeah i'm bring back that lame analogy), once you finish the  loop de loop, you're still moving forward. 

So yeah, here I am. In all my vulnerable glory. Hopefully, it doesn't take me 3 more years to make another post.

It's the end of 2014 Mixtape

It's the end of 2014 and we decided do a last "Mixtape (Not)Monday" for the year. Here we highlight some of our favorite tracks of 2014 or that were on heavy rotation for us this year. Hopefully we will be doing more of these in 2015! No promises though. Check out the video below and the Spotify Playlist featuring favorites like Paramore, Kendrick Lamar, and Hozier.



 

Spotify Playlist Link

"Name it to tame it"

Once my therapist had a theory about where my anxiety and panic stemmed from (well she has many theories but we’ll go with this one in particular). She believed that my anxiety and panic stemmed from not being able to express myself. Namely, not expressing when I’m angry.

Don’t worry, I’m not about to rage on the copier at work or throw my computer screen against the wall (though that would be a great idea for a viral YouTube video). It’s more the progression of where my emotions go and the need for me to bottle them up. That then turns into anger that then turns into me believing I’m having a heart attack while driving home (or a stroke while managing a learning management system at work, tomato/tomahto).

Turns out I have a ton of bottled up feelings that I don’t express (learned behavior is a bitch). One of her coping mechanisms is called, “Name it to tame it.” When I start to feel frustrated, angry, worried or overwhelmed I should identify the feeling. Not out loud like some live twitter feed, but just to myself. She said that once I named it I would be giving a voice to that part of me that was freaking out. I could then shelf the emotion and explore what those feelings reveal about me later (having a conversation with myself in my cubicle at work probably wouldn’t do well for my long term career goals).

This has probably been the most challenging part of dealing with my anxiety. I can read books; articles, make and carry note cards that serve as a reminder that the physical symptoms I’m feeling from anxiety are adrenaline or lack of oxygen (hyperventilation I’m looking at you). But ask me to name my feelings and shit gets real.

We build walls to help protect ourselves from situations and people at an early age. My walls have served me well, kept me safe, kept me going. Until they didn't. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, those walls stopped being helpful and started interfering.

When I started breaking down that wall, things got real messy and for a while, I was operating at a level 100 in all things. Everything I felt was so intense! I went from shrugging thing off to crying on my lunch break. I’d be equal parts happy I named what I was feeling to equal parts angry that I was feeling those feelings to begin with.

But through all that crap I learned some new things about myself.

• I value being heard. I get really upset when I feel misunderstood, looked over and undervalued. Once I realized this it helped me with my personal and professional life. Instead of being upset I try and talk out what I’m feeling. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to get my point across cause I don’t want to cause trouble or drama. But if I don’t express myself correctly, how will anyone understand me properly. 
• I’m insecure (I bet my therapist was happy when I named this one, here’s to more sessions!). This isn’t new, I have a ton of hangs up, but I didn’t realize just how deep they ran. Understanding what I’m insecure about helps me deal with the onslaught of feelings I have when a situation triggers those feelings. 
• I get jealous. Not in the Nick Jonas top charting pop single way, but kind of. This one is a little hard to explain. I’m not jealous of a people, but more for the traits or characteristics they have that I feel I lack. 

There have been a lot of emotions that I’ve had to “name to tame.” I’d be lying if I said sometimes I’m pist off at myself for what those emotions revealed and I wanted to raise my walls even higher and continue on as I have been. But I’ve made a personal commitment to get my shit together in the last year leading up to my thirties, so here I am. A not-as-much-but-still –a- little-bit angry ball of bottled up emotions. I’d be lying though, if I said I wasn’t holding out for things to magically come together next May, when I turn 30. Growing up is hard work.

The Money Issue

I spent the eve of my 23^rd birthday in tears listening to Rilo Kiley‘s “The execution of all things” convincing myself that I was a failure.

“I haven’t done anything in life” I told my dad when he tried to assure me that my life was just beginning. Still I was sure that I had accomplished everything I could and that I was going nowhere. Maybe it was too much Reality Bites or Ms. Jenny Lewis herself steering me down the path, regardless "nowhere fast" was engraved in my head and chanting in my ears. Why am I letting you in on such an embarrassing anecdote about my life? Maybe it’s because I am currently 30 years old, still feel unaccomplished but at this moment would not be able to comprehend what makes someone a failure.

All my friends are more financially secure then I am. This statement holds such weight as some could see me as the Jennifer Aniston character in a movie highlighting late development or achievement. I used to feel so ashamed of that fact, like it somehow was tied to me as a person because it told everyone that I was worthless, unsuccessful and worst of all a failure. Luckily I learned that this was not true. It wasn't until I was 28 working a job that was deemed acceptable at my age but somehow I was miserable. I was working long hours putting time into something I thought I wanted. Then all of sudden I asked myself "What am I working towards?" Now the responsible adult in me wanted to say "You work because you have to" which is such an adult thing to say, isn't it?  The thing is that even though I knew that having a job that pays me enough to pay my bills and rent is all I should be worrying about I just couldn't shut off that small voice in my head.

When I was young and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I got older I would always answer "happy." No I wasn't raised by hippie parents and there was an actual direction that I knew I was taking but none of it seemed as important as the promise of being happy.  Now as we all know happiness is fleeting and not a career but I can honestly say that I could not let that little girl down. So I quit my job and decided to find out what would make me happy. Very stupid idea in the economy we were/are in but I think in your twenties you get to do one really stupid thing and that was it. It was hard as expected, there were times I thought I was an idiot but somehow I was the happiest I had ever been.

Now a few years have passed and I don't make that much money and at times it can be frustrating as I try to navigate my path into something that I want. What I do now is definitely not what I want to do but it feels like a stepping stone in the right direction. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold them and even though it feels horrible knowing that I can be considered the "dead beat" friend I still feel like things are going the way they are suppose to, ever so slowly. There is a path that I am on; I've learned a lot about myself, about my friends and my family through the simple act of quitting my job. It was an experience I wouldn't replicate but am glad I went through.

You know that scene from "Friends" with Phoebe and the tiny pizza? and how everyone always wants to go somewhere "nice"? That's pretty much my life. I cringe when I hear of trips being planned and money being wasted. I can't go to the mall and just purchase things because I am on a budget and I put thought into which paycheck is going to go to what. It's exhausting and annoying and I try not to make myself feel bad about it because not all adults are made the same. Not all industries pay the same amount of money and once I understood that I started to feel like less of a failure and more like someone determined to find their space. The point of this article is not to tell you to follow your dreams or find happiness because sometimes that can leave you broke, frustrated, and maybe worse. You have to figure out what works for you, what is important to YOU and never compare yourself to others.

Learning to budget, analyzing expectations, those are things I had to learn these are things that made me feel like an adult. Also learning what I want out of life, out of my job is important to. They always tell you to not compare yourself to others because it's pointless. It took me almost 30 years to learn that but I'm glad I finally did.

Road Trip!

Whether with friends of family, going on a road trip is one of my favorite types of vacationing. Being on the open road with your loved ones and singing at the top of your lung is an experience that you must have at least once in your life. You'll feel free!

In honor of this (and because my friends and I are doing a west coast trip later this week) Melissa and I filmed a Mixtape Monday  Road Trip Edition.  This playlist includes some of our favorites like Neutral Milk Hotel, Rilo Kiley, and yes even Hanson (haters to the left.)  

Please enjoy and look out for much more content to come!

Oh shit, We forgot it's Mixtape Monday: Winging It Edition

Sometimes work and play can get in the way of things that are really important, like music. Sha and I have been playing grown ups in real life and we kind of forgot to put something together, oops. The beauty of music is that we love it so much and that we have so many favorites that winging it isn't too bad for us. So here it is, a collection of songs that we love so much we didn't even have to think too hard about putting on a playlist. Below you will be able to find our accompanying video and as always our Spotify Playlist link.

Spotify Link: MIXTAPE MONDAY:WING IT

Mixtape Mondays: Good Vibes Edition

Have you missed us!? The last couple weeks Mel and I have been insanely busy. While we would love nothing more than to sit around creating playlist after playlist, the call to work is what keeps our internet paid and our bellies full!

Better late then never, right? With us over worked and under sexed (name that lyric),  we decided to call this week's edition, Good Vibes. Sure we could have picked some indie rock tunes, rock n' roll or blue grass, but this week we decided to show case some of our favorite songs that carry a good beat. So if you're in the mood for some Kendrick Lamar, Kanye West, A Tribe Called Quest or Chiddy Bang, click on the video below.