It's the end of 2014 Mixtape

It's the end of 2014 and we decided do a last "Mixtape (Not)Monday" for the year. Here we highlight some of our favorite tracks of 2014 or that were on heavy rotation for us this year. Hopefully we will be doing more of these in 2015! No promises though. Check out the video below and the Spotify Playlist featuring favorites like Paramore, Kendrick Lamar, and Hozier.



 

Spotify Playlist Link

"Name it to tame it"

Once my therapist had a theory about where my anxiety and panic stemmed from (well she has many theories but we’ll go with this one in particular). She believed that my anxiety and panic stemmed from not being able to express myself. Namely, not expressing when I’m angry.

Don’t worry, I’m not about to rage on the copier at work or throw my computer screen against the wall (though that would be a great idea for a viral YouTube video). It’s more the progression of where my emotions go and the need for me to bottle them up. That then turns into anger that then turns into me believing I’m having a heart attack while driving home (or a stroke while managing a learning management system at work, tomato/tomahto).

Turns out I have a ton of bottled up feelings that I don’t express (learned behavior is a bitch). One of her coping mechanisms is called, “Name it to tame it.” When I start to feel frustrated, angry, worried or overwhelmed I should identify the feeling. Not out loud like some live twitter feed, but just to myself. She said that once I named it I would be giving a voice to that part of me that was freaking out. I could then shelf the emotion and explore what those feelings reveal about me later (having a conversation with myself in my cubicle at work probably wouldn’t do well for my long term career goals).

This has probably been the most challenging part of dealing with my anxiety. I can read books; articles, make and carry note cards that serve as a reminder that the physical symptoms I’m feeling from anxiety are adrenaline or lack of oxygen (hyperventilation I’m looking at you). But ask me to name my feelings and shit gets real.

We build walls to help protect ourselves from situations and people at an early age. My walls have served me well, kept me safe, kept me going. Until they didn't. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, those walls stopped being helpful and started interfering.

When I started breaking down that wall, things got real messy and for a while, I was operating at a level 100 in all things. Everything I felt was so intense! I went from shrugging thing off to crying on my lunch break. I’d be equal parts happy I named what I was feeling to equal parts angry that I was feeling those feelings to begin with.

But through all that crap I learned some new things about myself.

• I value being heard. I get really upset when I feel misunderstood, looked over and undervalued. Once I realized this it helped me with my personal and professional life. Instead of being upset I try and talk out what I’m feeling. Sometimes it takes multiple attempts to get my point across cause I don’t want to cause trouble or drama. But if I don’t express myself correctly, how will anyone understand me properly. 
• I’m insecure (I bet my therapist was happy when I named this one, here’s to more sessions!). This isn’t new, I have a ton of hangs up, but I didn’t realize just how deep they ran. Understanding what I’m insecure about helps me deal with the onslaught of feelings I have when a situation triggers those feelings. 
• I get jealous. Not in the Nick Jonas top charting pop single way, but kind of. This one is a little hard to explain. I’m not jealous of a people, but more for the traits or characteristics they have that I feel I lack. 

There have been a lot of emotions that I’ve had to “name to tame.” I’d be lying if I said sometimes I’m pist off at myself for what those emotions revealed and I wanted to raise my walls even higher and continue on as I have been. But I’ve made a personal commitment to get my shit together in the last year leading up to my thirties, so here I am. A not-as-much-but-still –a- little-bit angry ball of bottled up emotions. I’d be lying though, if I said I wasn’t holding out for things to magically come together next May, when I turn 30. Growing up is hard work.

The Money Issue

I spent the eve of my 23^rd birthday in tears listening to Rilo Kiley‘s “The execution of all things” convincing myself that I was a failure.

“I haven’t done anything in life” I told my dad when he tried to assure me that my life was just beginning. Still I was sure that I had accomplished everything I could and that I was going nowhere. Maybe it was too much Reality Bites or Ms. Jenny Lewis herself steering me down the path, regardless "nowhere fast" was engraved in my head and chanting in my ears. Why am I letting you in on such an embarrassing anecdote about my life? Maybe it’s because I am currently 30 years old, still feel unaccomplished but at this moment would not be able to comprehend what makes someone a failure.

All my friends are more financially secure then I am. This statement holds such weight as some could see me as the Jennifer Aniston character in a movie highlighting late development or achievement. I used to feel so ashamed of that fact, like it somehow was tied to me as a person because it told everyone that I was worthless, unsuccessful and worst of all a failure. Luckily I learned that this was not true. It wasn't until I was 28 working a job that was deemed acceptable at my age but somehow I was miserable. I was working long hours putting time into something I thought I wanted. Then all of sudden I asked myself "What am I working towards?" Now the responsible adult in me wanted to say "You work because you have to" which is such an adult thing to say, isn't it?  The thing is that even though I knew that having a job that pays me enough to pay my bills and rent is all I should be worrying about I just couldn't shut off that small voice in my head.

When I was young and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I got older I would always answer "happy." No I wasn't raised by hippie parents and there was an actual direction that I knew I was taking but none of it seemed as important as the promise of being happy.  Now as we all know happiness is fleeting and not a career but I can honestly say that I could not let that little girl down. So I quit my job and decided to find out what would make me happy. Very stupid idea in the economy we were/are in but I think in your twenties you get to do one really stupid thing and that was it. It was hard as expected, there were times I thought I was an idiot but somehow I was the happiest I had ever been.

Now a few years have passed and I don't make that much money and at times it can be frustrating as I try to navigate my path into something that I want. What I do now is definitely not what I want to do but it feels like a stepping stone in the right direction. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold them and even though it feels horrible knowing that I can be considered the "dead beat" friend I still feel like things are going the way they are suppose to, ever so slowly. There is a path that I am on; I've learned a lot about myself, about my friends and my family through the simple act of quitting my job. It was an experience I wouldn't replicate but am glad I went through.

You know that scene from "Friends" with Phoebe and the tiny pizza? and how everyone always wants to go somewhere "nice"? That's pretty much my life. I cringe when I hear of trips being planned and money being wasted. I can't go to the mall and just purchase things because I am on a budget and I put thought into which paycheck is going to go to what. It's exhausting and annoying and I try not to make myself feel bad about it because not all adults are made the same. Not all industries pay the same amount of money and once I understood that I started to feel like less of a failure and more like someone determined to find their space. The point of this article is not to tell you to follow your dreams or find happiness because sometimes that can leave you broke, frustrated, and maybe worse. You have to figure out what works for you, what is important to YOU and never compare yourself to others.

Learning to budget, analyzing expectations, those are things I had to learn these are things that made me feel like an adult. Also learning what I want out of life, out of my job is important to. They always tell you to not compare yourself to others because it's pointless. It took me almost 30 years to learn that but I'm glad I finally did.

Road Trip!

Whether with friends of family, going on a road trip is one of my favorite types of vacationing. Being on the open road with your loved ones and singing at the top of your lung is an experience that you must have at least once in your life. You'll feel free!

In honor of this (and because my friends and I are doing a west coast trip later this week) Melissa and I filmed a Mixtape Monday  Road Trip Edition.  This playlist includes some of our favorites like Neutral Milk Hotel, Rilo Kiley, and yes even Hanson (haters to the left.)  

Please enjoy and look out for much more content to come!

Oh shit, We forgot it's Mixtape Monday: Winging It Edition

Sometimes work and play can get in the way of things that are really important, like music. Sha and I have been playing grown ups in real life and we kind of forgot to put something together, oops. The beauty of music is that we love it so much and that we have so many favorites that winging it isn't too bad for us. So here it is, a collection of songs that we love so much we didn't even have to think too hard about putting on a playlist. Below you will be able to find our accompanying video and as always our Spotify Playlist link.

Spotify Link: MIXTAPE MONDAY:WING IT

Mixtape Mondays: Good Vibes Edition

Have you missed us!? The last couple weeks Mel and I have been insanely busy. While we would love nothing more than to sit around creating playlist after playlist, the call to work is what keeps our internet paid and our bellies full!

Better late then never, right? With us over worked and under sexed (name that lyric),  we decided to call this week's edition, Good Vibes. Sure we could have picked some indie rock tunes, rock n' roll or blue grass, but this week we decided to show case some of our favorite songs that carry a good beat. So if you're in the mood for some Kendrick Lamar, Kanye West, A Tribe Called Quest or Chiddy Bang, click on the video below. 

Mixtape Mondays: A Love Letter to Reality Bites

I remember the first time I saw "Reality Bites," well in all honesty I don't remember how old I was or where I was exactly but I do remember the feeling it gave me. The feeling I felt more specifically in the scene at the gas station which at my young age was the one that resonated with me the most. Completely oblivious of the fact that they were majorly stoned at the time, I loved the moment when Janeane Garofalo, Winona Ryder, and Steve Zahn are so compelled to dance to "My Sharona" that they ask the attendant to turn up the music and proceed to jump around like idiots. This is what I thought my twenties were going to be like, not literally smoking out and dancing like idiots which I'm sure is how a lot of people spent their twenties, but just being so enthralled in having fun with your friends that you don't care who sees. Now that I'm thirty I look back at how the movie spoke to me in different ways. "I'm not going to work at the Gap" was also a line that I often quoted and not just because I worked there but because I understood how judged Janeane felt at that moment. This movie gave me a different point of view about being an adult that maybe my parents didn't want me to know. Up until then I thought adulthood was house payments and children, I didn't understand that you were allowed to not have it all together for awhile, that you were allowed to figure things out.

With this Mixtape Monday we chose to celebrate its 20th anniversary of this movie compiling songs inspired by the nineties featuring bands like Everclear, The Cranberries, and The Smashing Pumpkins. Come walk down memory lane with us ....

To Tinder or Not To Tinder: Living The Single Life

"Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people."

I think I should preface this with I am eternally single. I should also stress that I don’t mean this in a "cry and eat ice cream while I watch The Notebook" kind of way but in a "I have a good time with my friends and family; I am still trying to figure it out" kind of way. Still I can't dodge this question, "Don’t you want to meet someone nice? do you always want to be single?" and the answer to this, at the moment is actually I do.

Mixtape Monday - The Valentine’s Day Edition

This week we bring you The Valentine’s Day Edition of Mixtape Monday! Last week we brought you our version of the “Anti” Valentine’s Day mix and this week we bring you the more traditional version. We have so much love to share, we each picked 8 songs.  Featured this week are Band of Horses, Bjork, and Phantom Planet among many more. 

Mixtape Monday - Anti-Valentine's Day Edition

This week we are bringing you an "Anti-" Valentine's Day Mix of sorts. Anti in not a very traditional way. The songs we picked talk about unrequited love, break-ups, and heartbreak in a more realistic adult way. Featured on this weeks mix are bands like The Cranberries, Wilco, and The Cure.



Spotify Playlist Link
Tune in next week for a special (proper)Valentine's Day mix.

My Journey with Anxiety and Panic

I have anxiety and panic attack disorder (there it is World Wide Web, I said it!). Some days, weeks, and months I’m great, other days I have to add up license plates while driving or remind myself to breath just to make it through the day. I was 24 the first time I had a panic attack. I was speeding home from my college class trying to reach a doctor because I was sure I was experiencing a heart attack. I had Googled my symptoms during class and was positive I was going to drop dead unless I sought medical attention (hello - Google wouldn’t lie!).  Half way home my left arm went numb and my right arm was starting to tingle too, my vision started to tunnel and it was hard to catch my breath. I pulled over (miraculously, I avoided causing a major accident since I went from the fast lane to the right emergency lane in 1 second flat) and dialed 911.

This event marked the beginning of a very interesting, emotional and enlightening period of my life. You see that first emergency room visit only left me feeling like I had seen an incompetent doctor who hadn’t done enough tests on me (did I mention that I had Googled my symptoms?! Clearly he was a quack). That visit was the first of many (many, many, many, many… you get the picture) emergency and cardiologist visits. The first year I probably went to the ER five times and saw just as many cardiologist (thank god for PPO).

The best way I can describe anxiety and panic is the betrayal of your mind. Up to that point, my mind had never let me down. My brain was logical, bright and dependable (not including my memory, but everyone has bad memory, right? Right?). No way that my brain would give me all the classic signs of a heart attack, that would be illogical.  Except that 8 months later I finally realized that, yeah, it would. You’d think that being diagnosed with anxiety/panic would feel liberating, I mean after all I was healthy and best of all my heart was “in great shape.” At first though, my diagnosis did exactly the opposite. It made me feel out of control, scared, alone and worst of all weak. See up until that point I had always considered myself an island or rock. I was never good at expressing feelings. I’d bottle them up, worry about situations, think it to death and just processed everything alone. Now my doctor wanted to prescribe medicine and suggested I see a therapist.

By that point, my anxiety had hit an all-time high. At times my anxiety lasted days, I was barely able to go to work and get home. There were some days my dad or sister would pick me up from work, I physically couldn’t drive. When I’d get home I’d be in tears or I’d go straight to my room and read (that year I read 100 books). I was a shell of the person I use to be (but I could sure read fast!). The independence I had worked so hard to established was slowly slipping and now my anxiety was starting to drift into my families world (because news flash, this diagnosis didn’t just impact me it impacted my families lives too). Reluctantly I agreed to the medicine and therapy.

It was the best decision! The medicine helped balance out my anxiety and through therapy I learned that I wasn’t weak and understood where my anxiety came from and why it manifests the way it does. I learned breathing techniques, coping mechanisms (anxiety is tricky, once you think you've figured out your triggers, it starts manifesting in different ways!) and continue to work on rethinking and positive thoughts (like I’m not dying. Hey - I’m a work in progress) I felt great! I felt like I was gaining control again, I could finally hang out with friends and visit family. I was empowered by going to therapy.

So you’re probably thinking, “Cool story bro, but what’s the point of this post.” The point is, it took me 3 more years before I could openly discuss going to therapy or that I have anxiety. There is such a huge stigma about sharing problems and situations in our society and it’s lame. There shouldn’t be, so I have anxiety and went to therapy, that doesn’t define who I am. Nobody is perfect, everyone has a thing. I wish more people talked about their anxiety or panic or depression or whatever. In fact, I wish more people went to therapy, period. We wouldn’t feel so alone and crazy. By having these open and candid discussions we help people have a sense of connectedness and by the same token it helps people who don’t have these issues understand what it’s like for people who do. So if there is anything you can take from this post it’s to share your experiences, because you are not alone (oh and don’t trust google for medical advice). 

Mixtape Mondays: New Playlist!

We are at it again, our second "Mixtape Monday" video and playlist is here. Spotify playlist link can be found in the description of the video. Enjoy!



 

Mixtape Mondays

Welcome to Mixtape Mondays (I mean Tuesday)!

A bi-weekly segment where Melissa an I list our top 5 songs from the last two weeks and make a mix on Spotify  for your listening pleasure.

So if you’re looking for a new mix, jonesing for new music or just want to see us be ridiculous on camera, definitely click on video and link below.

This week’s mix includes:

Melissa’s Picks

• Jose Gonzalez – Step Out
•  Lorde – Ribs
• Tennis – Mean Streets
•  Foo Fighters – Next Year
• Broken Social Scene – Anthem for a seventeen year old

Shadi’s Picks

• Arctic Monkey’s – Do you wanna know
• Lorde – Team
• Phantogram – Fall In Love
• M83 – Midnight City
• Ms Mr – Hurricane

Listen to it on Spotify, click here!